NFL Survivor/Eliminator Picks: Week 16

What’s that you hear coming down your chimney? It’s another five winners from the internet’s favorite/possibly-only Survivor Picks columnist. Ho ho ho.

Week 16 NFL Eliminator Picks

Philadelphia Eagles

-11.5 vs. Giants

Last week was a difficult week for the Eagles. Jalen Hurts fell ill Saturday and had to travel to Seattle separate from his team and play the Seahawks at less than 100%. Matt Patricia was prominently involved. Jason Kelce may have killed the tush push with a false start penalty. And Kelce also missed out on the top spot on the Vinyl Charts because his brother’s girlfriend/maybe-wife still held the No. 1 spot six weeks after she released an album that already came out in 2014.

But as Kelce croons on “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” — Track 9 on A Philly Special Christmas Special — “Faithful friends who are dear to us / Will be near to us once more.” That’s right, the Eagles return to Philadelphia this week after two straight road games. And while they do not have the comical home/road splits of their rival Cowboys, the Eagles have lost their last two and three of their eight games this season on the road. What chance do the Giants have where even Santa is afraid to play on Christmas day? Frankly, it’s an early Christmas present for me to even have the Eagles left in Survivor. I should write a thank-you note to ESPN Eliminator for not letting me track my picks after I lost in Week 10.

Buffalo Bills

-12 at Chargers

I just found out that the interim Chargers head coach is named Giff Smith about 10 minutes ago — is Giff short for anything? Who knows! His Wikipedia page is unsurprisingly short on some details — and I’ve already created an elaborate fantasy about his life in my head. Did you ever see that Virgin Mobile commercial with Brad Pitt’s brother Doug Pitt? I don’t even need to talk to sources, I can 100% confirm that Giff listens to 70s rock with headphones so he doesn’t disturb his wife, designs his own birdhouses, and drives and washes his own white minivan. The man has coached the Chargers defensive line under their last three previous coaches Brandon Staley, Anthony Lynn, and Mike McCoy. Who do radically different coaches with radically different backgrounds and coaching styles all want on their staff? Giff Smith, that’s who. Giff joked in his opening press conference that he wished he had lost some weight a few weeks back, but he didn’t expect his sudden promotion. First of all, classic Giff zinger! And second, no worries, Giff, no one is going to see you. The Chargers don’t have any fans.

I can preemptively report that when Chargers kicker Cameron Dicker drains a 43-yard field goal Sunday to cut the third quarter Bills lead to 24-10, Giff will whisper “That’s how you do it.”

Denver Broncos

-6.5 vs. Patriots

A camera caught Broncos head coach Sean Payton apparently yelling at his quarterback Russell Wilson on the sidelines last Saturday night. But in his Monday press conference, Payton told reporters that he and Russ — his quarterback via an arranged marriage — have “a great relationship”. So which is the truth and which is the lie? Fortunately for you dear readers, I am as capable a lip reader as I am a Big J journalist. And after exhaustive research in the form of no fewer than 3 or 4 loops through the video, I pieced together that Payton clearly exclaimed to Russ that “In all my years of football, I have never seen such an astute evaluation of a potentially difficult decision. Masterful call. Oh, and have a nice day.” It’s touching, really, to see a father-son sort of relationship between a coach and a quarterback. How could they possibly lose* on Christmas weekend? Give me the Broncos by a clean 7.

*To a Patriots team that is tanking for Caleb Williams or Drake Maye.

Washington Commanders

+3 at Jets

On his Tuesday Pat McAfee Show appearance, Aaron Rodgers revealed he likely wouldn’t return to play in 2023, three months removed from a torn Achilles, an injury that takes nine months to heal. And on her Tuesday IG post, Zach Wilson’s mother Lisa revealed that her son hid his concussion symptoms when he returned to play after a shot to the head last Sunday and that the Jets’ independent neurologist is as much a turnstile as the team’s remaining healthy offensive linemen. Charissa Thompson never broke a story so big on the sidelines, and so you can bet the NFL won’t let Wilson won’t clear his second-effort concussion protocol before his team’s Christmas Eve matchup with the Commanders. And since Tim Boyle’s 30 combined college and professional interceptions were precisely one too many for the Jets, that leaves the team with Trevor Siemian as their likely starter fresh off his two-interception relief appearance that was pretty much the opposite of his counterpart Jacoby Brissett’s Sunday effort. A loss to lame-duck head coach Ron Rivera and his Commanders would make for a dark December day. But cheer up Jets fans. The night is darkest before the dawn.

Houston Texans

+2.5 vs. Browns

In the spirit of the Christmas season, I considered skipping the Week 16 Revenge Game rankings. But the thirst for revenge doesn’t take weeks off!

1. Case Keenum, Texans vs. Browns

Just 20% of the players who suffered a concussion in the first half of the season missed multiple weeks. Is C.J. Stroud taking a dive so Case Keenum has a shot at the Browns team that replaced him — yep, Keenum started in the final week of 2021, not Baker Mayfield — with Deshaun Watson? I wouldn’t rule it out!

2. T.J. Hockenson, Vikings vs. Lions

Sure, the week after rookie tight end Sam LaPorta caught three touchdowns may be the wrong time to imply that the Lions should regret the T.J. Hockenson trade. And sure, the Vikings made the exact same exchange when they traded Stefon Diggs to the Bills and drafted Justin Jefferson in the subsequent draft. But before the trade, Lions coaches told Hockenson not to worry about the trade rumors. And that isn’t cool, dudes.

3. Kyle Juszczyk, 49ers vs. Ravens

Kyle Juszczyk’s outlier $27 million 49ers contract may take the sting out of the Ravens’ decision to let him walk in free agency in 2021. But the Associated Press is bringing back fullback All-Pro voting, so I’m sure Juszczyk will do some great fullback things Monday like smashing his head into Justin Madubuike or whatever.

4. Jamison Crowder, Commanders at Jets

Ostensibly the No. 6 or 7 wide receiver on the Commanders, Jamison Crowder caught more passes in Week 8 than presumed Jets slot starter Randall Cobb has caught all season. I guess Crowder should have gifted Aaron Rodgers some nicer healing crystals before the latter’s darkness retreat?

5. James Bradberry, Eagles vs. Giants

We last saw James Bradberry being torched on Jaxon Smith-Njigba’s game-winning touchdown catch Monday night, and the 30-year-old corner reflected after the game that the 21-year-old rookie just ran right past him. Hey, times comes for us all. But while us football writers do not have the privilege, Bradberry will have a chance to turn back the effective clock on Christmas with a matchup with his old Giants team that is barely averaging 150 passing yards per game this season.

Scott’s Pick: Philadelphia Eagles
Scott’s Record: 12-3