All-Keep Choppin’ Wood Team 2023

Oh, did you think you’d be safe, just because of a little thing like an entire website shutting down? It takes more than that to stop the Woodchoppers from finding you.

The All-Keep Choppin’ Wood Team is our annual attempt to sift through the debris of the season that was, pulling out the prime examples of bad contracts, boneheaded decisions, and out-and-out terrible play that the league so kindly provides to us. We spend so much time talking about the best of the best that it’s fun to spend a minute going over the worst of the worst.

The team itself is named after a hairbrained motivational attempt gone wrong from 20 years ago. Jack Del Rio, then a rookie head coach with the Jacksonville Jaguars, placed a stump of oak and an ax in the locker room, as a symbol for his players to “keep choppin’ wood” – to keep at it, and keep putting the work in, and so on and so forth. Pro Bowl punter Chris Hanson immediately showed what a bad idea it was to have an ax just sitting around, injuring himself when he attempted to swing the ax at the stump, only to have the blade bounce off and gash him in the foot. And every year since, we’ve picked a team of Woodchoppers – a tradition we’re proud to carry over here to FTN Fantasy. 

What this isn’t is just a list of the worst players in the NFL, though yes, being really bad at football remains a classic way to get onto this list. It also includes overpriced veterans, free agent acquisitions that immediately caused regret, and talented players who made asses of themselves off the field. This is for the disappointments, flops, and embarrassments as much as it is for the truly terrible. A highly-touted star flubbing his parts counts more than a rookie trying to get used to life in the NFL, or a third-stringer forced to take a bigger role than anyone had planned for.

As usual, we have picked starters by position, along with a full coaching staff. So, without further ado…

Offense

Quarterback

And what better way to establish the many different ways you can qualify for a list like this than to name the entire New York Jets quarterback room our All-KCW quarterback? This is the first time we’ve ever given the nod to an entire position group, but the Jets went above and beyond in exploring all the different ways in which one can really chop wood. They seemed the most appropriate choice to kick off the FTN era of the KCW Team.

Aaron Rodgers is not on the team because he ruptured his Achilles four snaps into his highly-touted Jets debut, though his -193.0% DVOA is the worst for anyone with more than one pass attempt this season. No, Rodgers highlights the team because of his continued descent into being the crazy conspiracy theorist uncle of the NFL, using his weekly appearances on Pat McAfee’s show about every piece of random nonsense that passes through his head. Since the end of last season, Rodgers has:

• Gone on a darkness retreat, spending four days in a pitch-black room in an attempt to get in a better headspace, spending one day contemplating a reality in which he retired and another in a reality where he kept playing.
• Became upset that the Packers were shopping him around while he was on said retreat without access to his phone.
• Failed to answer multiple communication attempts from Packers GM Brian Gutekunst both before and after said darkness retreat.
• Texted Adam Schefter to “lose his number” after Schefter attempted to confirm Rodgers wanted to play for the Jets, and accused Schefter of making up a report that Rodgers was either going to retire or ask to be traded to New York.
• Denied giving the Jets a list of players he wanted signed, shortly before the Jets signed former Rodgers teammates Randall Cobb, Allen Lazard, Tim Boyle and Billy Turner.
• Spoke at a psychedelic advocacy convention about his use of ayahuasca.
• Cited the effectiveness of “the noise from the dolphins with some of their lovemaking” as a tool for healing his torn Achilles.
• Attempted to set up a debate about vaccines with him and Robert F. Kennedy Jr against Travis Kelce and Anthony Fauci, which was ignored by all three men.
• Kept an ongoing narrative going about a record-setting comeback from his Achilles tear, with the date for his return constantly pushed back just as the previous deadline was approaching.
• Bashed Dianna Russini for reporting on the drama in the Jets’ quarterback room.
• Accused Jimmy Kimmel of being terrified of the Jeffery Epstein client list being revealed.
• Fallout from that joke leading to massive criticism of the Pat McAfee show, which in turn lead to the show announcing that Rodgers would not appear regularly for the rest of the season.
• Showed up on the McAfee show two days later.

I got tired typing all of that out, we left some things out, and we could go for several hundred more words on each and every one of them. And after all of that, Rodgers had the temerity to say that the “bullshit that has nothing to do with winning has to get out of the building”. Physician, heal thyself first.

Rodgers’ injury thrust Zach Wilson back into a starting role, with the Jets making no efforts to bolster their room with Rodgers’ departure. Wilson reaffirmed his status as one of the biggest busts in recent NFL history, finishing the year with a -27.8% passing DVOA while absorbing 46 sacks, being benched and reinstated late in the season as the Jets cycled through passers in a frantic attempt to generate any offense whatsoever. Wilson joins Jeff George, Tim Couch and Sam Darnold as the only four passers to qualify for our leaderboards with a passing DVOA of -15% or less in each of their first three seasons. If Rodgers is the model of the offseason headache; Wilson is the idealized example of the mega-bust unable to live up to the capital his team spent to acquire him.

And then you have the purely putrid, in the form of Tim Boyle. Boyle, who had a 12-26 touchdown to interception ratio in college at UConn and EKU and a 4-12 ratio as a pro, has never shown sign one of why he deserves to be on an NFL roster. In his two starts this season, Boyle put up a passing DVOA of -71.4%, worst for any player with at least 50 attempts this season. He threw four interceptions on 77 attempts, which actually lowered his career interception percentage, and averaged an almost incomprehensibly bad 2.6 adjusted net yards per attempt.

Trevor Siemian (-41.8% DVOA) was also bad, if not superlatively so. The whole lot of them get thrown into the bin together as the most woodchoppin’ quarterback room in over a decade, stretching back to at least the Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow/Greg McElroy Jets group of 2012. And if you don’t believe us, Aaron, feel free to do your own research.

Running Back

The Carolina Panthers, knowing they needed a complete offensive reset and were going to have a rookie quarterback needing all the help he could get, signed Miles Sanders to a four-year, $25-million deal in March. Sanders was coming off of a Pro Bowl season, setting career highs in yards and touchdowns, and if there’s one thing that holds true, it’s that you should always pay for the person coming off of an outlier season.

Admittedly, Carolina’s offense was not conducive to anyone putting up great numbers this season. And Sanders wasn’t last rushing DYAR or DVOA; that was Dameon Pierce in Houston. But Pierce is a second-year player not fit for the Texans’ new scheme; Sanders is getting $6.35 million per year. And what the Panthers got out of that were bottom-five finishes in both DYAR and DVOA, and a player who lost his starting job to Chuba Hubbard by midseason. Before the year, Sanders said that he was excited to replace Christian McCaffery and get the opportunity to be a three-down back. Instead, he never looked comfortable in Frank Reich’s wide zone, averaging just 3.3 yards per carry and managing just one touchdown. He’ll have to scrap for a starting job next year.

Wide Receivers

With all of their drop problems, some Chiefs receiver had to go here. While the Chiefs as a team weren’t near the league lead in drops, their wide receivers, specifically, seemed to split a bucketful of grease before each game. Eleven wideouts with at least 25 targets had a drop rate of 10% or greater. Three of them played for Kansas City – Justin Watson (18.9%), Marquez Valdes-Scantling (13.8%) and Kadarius Toney (11.4%). But Watson and Valdes-Scantling ended up above replacement level in our numbers. Not so Toney. Toney also only caught 77.1% of passes charted as catchable, despite running some of the easiest routes in the league – his aDOT of 2.9 was lowest among receivers with at least 25 targets. And that’s not getting into the highlight-reel nature of some of his mistakes, such as the drops that led directly to interceptions against the Patriots and Lions, or the offsides that nullified the amazing Travis Kelce lateral against the Bills. Ultimately, though, he made Patrick Mahomes look like this, and that alone is worthy of enshrinement on this team.

We also need to carve out room for a disappointing free agent signing. Full respect to Allen Lazard, who finished the year with -19 DYAR and -17.5% DVOA, but at least he continued seeing the field for most of the season. We’ll instead go with JuJu Smith-Schuster, who parlayed his Super Bowl ring in Kansas City into a three-year dear in New England, turning down an offer from the Chiefs for the opportunity to play for Bill Belichick. Or, at least, sit on the bench in the general vicinity of Bill Belichick, as Smith-Schuster averaged a career-low 23.6 yards per game and one touchdown. After the Week 1 loss to Philadelphia, reports were already emerging that the team didn’t believe Smith-Schuster was one of the team’s five most effective pass catchers, and let me remind you that the team in question was the New England Patriots. Essentially invisible when everyone was healthy, and rarely effective when put into the lineup himself, Smith-Schuster ended the year with -72 DYAR and a -31.9% DVOA, just barely missing the 50-target cutoff for our leaderboard which would have had him 80th in the league.

If you’re wondering, the bottom three in receiving DYAR this season were Garrett Wilson (-98), Trey Palmer (-103) and Jonathan Mingo (-231), and Mingo was a finalist on this list until the last moment. Instead, we’ll make it a clean sweep of three receivers who don’t qualify for our leaderboard and go with Chase Claypool in the always hotly contested “receiver with a bigger ego than his production warrants” category. Claypool cost the Bears the 32nd overall pick last season, but never quite fit in in Chicago. This offseason, his temper boiled over multiple times in training camp, getting into multiple fights before pulling a hamstring and missing the remainder of camp. He did not show that same fight on the field, being called out for astonishingly low effort plays against the Packers in Week 1.

Things spiraled from there, with Claypool’s attitude reportedly continuing to be a problem in meetings and in practice, before things boiled over with Claypool angrily telling the media that the Bears were not putting him in the best place to succeed, and that he was “not going to give any pointers” to the coaching staff on how to use him properly, as that was their job. To their credit, they came up with a plan – they benched him, told him not to attend the game and not to come to the facility anymore. Matt Eberflus said that he had set standards of “being on time, being respectful and working hard”, and that Claypool didn’t reach those standards. They then traded him away for practically nothing to Miami, where Claypool continued to be a nonfactor. Total numbers for the Bears: 18 receptions, 196 yards, 1 touchdown. Total numbers in 2023: 8 receptions, 77 yards, 1 touchdown. Yikes.

Tight End

Finally, we’ll go with a skill position player who was actually the worst by our numbers. Irv Smith finished 52nd out of 52 qualified tight ends with a DVOA of -43.0% in his first year in Cincinnati. His -68 DYAR didn’t catch Gerald Everett’s -100, but Smith did that on just 26 targets to Everett’s 70, a phenomenal rate of nothingness. Several graders named Smith as one of the best steals of free agency, with Cincinnati picking up for practically nothing. And practically nothing is what Smith provided on the field so at least the Bengals got their money’s worth. Smith ended up as a healthy scratch in Cincinnati’s final three games, not even useful as a warm body for a team still trying to make the playoffs. 

Jawaan Taylor came to Kansas City on a four-year, $80-million deal, and… oh, wait. Did I start too early? Hold on one second.

Tackles

Jawaan Taylor came to Kansas City on a four-year, $80-million deal, and has not lived up to that billing. Taylor’s tendency to jump early was highlighted on national television starting in Week 1, and remained a problem throughout the year – he tied for the league lead with nine false starts this season. That’s just a small proportion of his 23 flags and 140 penalty yards, both most in the league; he’s responsible for over a fifth of the Chiefs’ penalties by himself. Add in his 3.5% blown block rate on running plays, and Kansas City has some serious buyer’s remorse.

We’ll group him with Terence Steele, who has been one of the worst pass-blocking tackles in the league this season in Dallas. His 37 blown passing blocks are second-most in the league, per SIS, and his nine sacks allowed aren’t a great look, either. All this on the back of a five-year, $86.8 million extension.

Guards

In November, the Bears finally sat Cody Whitehair down, ending a 117-game starting streak. Whitehair struggled to make shotgun snaps when placed at center, and continued to have difficulties meeting his assignments when bumped back out to guard. The longest tenured Bear will be a cap casualty this offseason. He’ll join New Orleans’ Cesar Ruiz who, after signing a big extension of his own this offseason, ended fourth-worst among guards with 21 blown pass blocks and tied for second-worst with seven sacks allowed – plus fairly mediocre run blocking grades, while we’re at it.

Center

Pittsburgh’s Mason Cole led all centers with 30 blown blocks, and had a number of high-profile botched snaps to his credit, too – we don’t have official numbers on low snaps, but Cole would surely be among the league leaders. The Steelers have been looking for a solid center since Maurkice Pouncey retired. They’re still looking.

Defense

Edge Rushers

Von Miller managed a whopping three tackles, three quarterback hits and zero sacks in twelve games, and was a healthy scratch in Week 17 against New England. Some leeway can be given for coming off of an ACL tear, and there were a couple flashes of explosiveness towards the end of the year. But Miller was brought in to push the Bills over the top in their Super Bowl hunt, and instead found himself behind Greg Rousseau, Leonard Floyd and A.J. Epenesa in the rotation come playoff time. That’s not even getting into his November arrest for assault; that investigation is still ongoing.

Speaking of players brought in to help win a Super Bowl, the 49ers haven’t really gotten their money’s worth out of either Randy Gregory or Chase Young, have they? Gregory gets the official position – he was cut by Denver in October just one year into his five-year, $70 million contract, after Denver failed to find anyone to actually trade for him – but neither has exactly been blowing up opposing quarterbacks. Gregory has just three pressures since Week 15, while Young has been dinged for lack of effort multiple times this year. The 49ers have not really replaced Charles Omenihu as Nick Bosa’s counterpart on the other side of the line, and the edges have been their weakness in the playoff run so far.

Interior Linemen

Remember when the Washington Commanders had the best front four in football? It seems like ages ago now. This year, Washington ranks 27th in adjusted line yards, and 31st in ALY on runs up the middle specifically. This, despite having the fourth-highest cap hit for interior linemen in the league. Say hello to Daron Payne and Jonathan Allen, with a combined 14 missed tackles in run defense, with run stop percentages of 76% or lower and at least 2.0 yards per rushing play each – for context, that puts them both well outside the top 40 for interior linemen in both statistics. Are they the worst tackles in football? No. But both clearly took a step back this year, and they’re getting paid too much (and had too much on placed on their shoulders after Young and Sweat were traded) to put up those kinds of numbers.

Linebackers

In a contract year, Devin White saw his role in Tampa Bay decrease dramatically as the year went on, with K.J. Britt passing him in the rotation by the end of the year. Fans were actively questioning his commitment to the team, and White has been snapping right back on social media, always a sign that things are going great. By the end of the year, White had been benched entirely on anything sniffing a running down – his 48% stop rate probably had something to do with that.

For our other linebacker, we’re busting out our brand new coverage DVOA stats and scrolling all the way to the bottom, until we find last place among linebackers. The bottom two slots both go to Chargers linebackers, so we’ll take one of them. Eric Kendricks was technically last, but he’s still a stout run defender and drew some pretty tough assignments as a cover linebacker. Instead, we’ll go with Kenneth Murray, who had a 30.7% DVOA in coverage, allowing 10.5 yards per completion and three touchdowns.

Cornerbacks

James Bradberry gets here on raw statistical merit, ranking 103rd out of 116 qualified cornerbacks in coverage DVOA at 21.2%. He does jump to the top of the list based on his contract – he signed a three-year, $38-million contract this offseason – and the fact that he had his snaps severely curtailed against the Buccaneers in the postseason, and still let in five receptions for 108 yards against Tampa Bay, with the one target on him that didn’t result in a completion instead being a drop. Bradberry was torched far too often – he was the one in coverage on Jaxon Smith-Njigba’s game winning touchdown in Seattle, for example, admitting after that game that JSN just ran past him and there was nothing he could do about it. The report of noted scouting export Deebo Samuel of Bradberry being “trash” is harsh, but not entirely without merit. Also, you know, this.

But I’d rather have a secondary full of Bradberrys rather than having to have J.C. Jackson in my secondary. Was it really just two years ago that Jackson was an All-Pro and a highly coveted free agent? Not since Nnamdi Asomugha have we seen a cornerback fall so far, so quickly. Jackson led the NFL in coverage DVOA in 2021. Two years later, Jackson finished 111th in coverage DVOA at 42.6%, with the Chargers benching him in September and ultimately trading him back to New England just one year into an $82.5 million contract. Jackson himself was quickly demoted from the Patriots’ starting lineup, as well, and wasn’t even brought with the team to Germany. Concerns about his reliability, and the warrant for him not appearing in court for a probation violation hearing, led to him ultimately being placed on NFI as he deals with some mental health issues. Here’s hoping he takes the rest he needs and finds his way back to his previous form.

We round out the secondary with Adoree’ Jackson, who was 102nd with a 20.1% coverage DVOA. There are players worse than our trio – the bottom three were Starling Thomas, Marco Wilson and Damarri Mathis – but they’re mostly lower-tier players, either benched midway through the season or forced into action due to injury. Jackson was supposed to be the veteran presence in the Giants’ secondary, and he ended up victimized over and over again. Jackson allowed the ninth-most yards in coverage this season at 752, and only broke up nine passes all season long. His tackling was also suspect; he allowed the second-most yards after catch among all defensive backs as wideouts routinely ran around or through him on their way to huge chunk plays.

Safeties

Kareem Jackson was suspended twice this season, ejected from two games, and fined nearly $90,000 for four illegal hits. It takes a special kind of player to get suspended for hitting players, coming back, and then getting ejected and suspended again on his very first tackle back. Jackson has said that he is confused by the fact that he was told that it was his responsibility to keep his opponents safe. “At the end of the day,” he added, “I’m going to go out and I’ll play the game as I have since 2010”. Like it or not, the league is trying to reduce injuries, and that means in some instances defenders simply have to not attempt tackles they would have in years past. Jackson’s inability – or refusal – to accept that ultimately led to him being cut by Denver, though Houston picked him up on waivers to end the season.

Our other safety, Jamal Adams, had himself a year. On the field, he’s brought his usual poor coverage and lack of pass rush that has been his hallmark since being traded to Seattle. Off the field, he’s been caught in a screaming match with the independent neurologist, attacked a Jets reporter on social media by insulting his wife and saying “when others go low, I go lower”, and did not attend the Eagles game in December. Other than that, things have been going great.

Special Teams

Kicker

Don’t draft kickers. The worst of this year’s crop is rookie Chad Ryland, who the Patriots took in the fourth round. Ryland was worth -14.6 weather-adjusted field goal points for New England; no one else was below -10. He was just 16-for-25 on kicks, and his 64% field goal percentage was the worst by a kicker with 25 attempts since Mason Crosby in 2012.

Punter

Pittsburgh punter Pressley Harvin was last in our punting value at -8.6. Harvin was second-worst in the league with 43.8 yards per punt, and the one player shorter than him (Lou Hedley) had fewer touchbacks and more kicks inside the 20.

Returner

We’re going with Washington’s Jamison Crowder here. There are a few players who had worse total value than Crowder’s -2.33 points on punt returns, but they all either only had a handful of returns to their name or had some positive value on kickoff returns. Not Crowder. Crowder was third-worst with 7.9 yards per punt return, and most of that comes from one 61-yarder against Atlanta. Remove everyone’s best return from their stats, and Crowder is dead last by a mile at just 6.3 yards per return. 63% of his returns were charted as stops, gaining fewer than 10 yards. He also fumbled twice, losing one. And it wasn’t just any lost fumble, either…

Team Captain

Jaire Alexander is too good a player to start for us at corner, but, unbeknownst to us, he’s muscled his way onto the team anyway! Against the Panthers, Alexander came out for the coin toss. Alexander was not a team captain, and didn’t tell anyone on the Green Bay coaching staff that he was going to do this, but there he was. He then botched it, announcing to the ref that he “wanted the defense to be out there”. That is not a valid option – you choose to receive, to kick, to defend a specific goal, or to defer to the second half. The referee had to prompt him several times and finally had to guess at what Alexander wanted, based on Matt LaFleur’s pregame instructions. For the kerfuffle, Alexander was suspended for a game by Green Bay. That’s the kind of leadership the Keep Choppin’ Wood team needs – indiscriminate, random leadership!

Coaching Staff

Head Coach

Josh McDaniels spent all offseason trying to cram square pegs into round holes. Jimmy Garoppolo had success running a YAC-heavy system in San Francisco? Let’s cut our YAC guys and instead surround him with receivers who don’t gain YAC and make him throw deeper than he ever did in his successful seasons. Already have a slot receiver in Hunter Renfrow? Well, let’s sign Jakobi Meyers anyway; we’ll make it work somehow. Adjust the playcalls to best fit the strengths of your players? No, of course not; McDaniels is a Highly Touted Offensive Genius, and the Patriot Way will see them through. And don’t you dare even think about insulting the Patriots, even in the Raiders locker room – McDaniels snapped at Antonio Pierce for using the Giants’ upset over the Patriots as a motivational tool. Josh, you’re coaching the Raiders now; it’s really OK if someone says a bad word about New England.

McDaniels, just as he did in Denver a decade ago, managed to alienate pretty much everyone on the roster; a revolt in the locker room essentially forcing Mark Davis to fire his hand-picked head coach after just 25 games. McDaniels has now failed multiple times at every aspect of being a head coach, from building a roster to in-game decision making to managing personalities to keep everyone happy. And how anyone, much less a so-called offensive guru, could fail to find a way to get Davante Adams involved through multiple quarterbacks boggles the mind. McDaniels shouldn’t get as much as a phone call for a head coaching position ever again.

Offensive Coordinator

I’d love to cheat and put Arthur Smith here for his… intriguing use of personnel, but sadly, Smith was not his own offensive coordinator. Instead, we’ll go with the guy Smith is replacing – Matt Canada. While the Pittsburgh offense was not quite as bad as its reputation according to DVOA, it still wasn’t exactly good, and Canada seemed to do everything in his power to make it less than the sum of its parts. Canada’s strategic decisions were dicey at best, getting off to slow starts and playing from behind early and often. It never seemed like Canada’s gameplans were tailored for their opponents. Pittsburgh’s offenses never got into rhythm, with a zillion ill-timed screens being the closest they got to getting fancy. And, as much as DVOA wants to insist that the Steelers faced a hard defensive schedule, there’s only so much you can shine up an offense that ranked 31st in time of possession, 31st in plays run, 30th in yards gained and 29th in points scored. This is an offense that did not score 30 points at any point in Canada’s tenure. The Steelers simply do not pull the plug on coaches quickly, but Canada was bad enough they almost had to – the first coach fired midseason for Pittsburgh since 1941.

Defensive Coordinator

Last year, Matt Patricia was the KCW offensive coordinator, despite technically being only a senior football advisor. This year, we’re making him the KFC defensive coordinator, despite technically being only a senior assistant. Patricia becomes the first man in the 20-year history of the KCW team to achieve infamy on both the offensive and defensive side of the ball. Add in his selection as head coach when he was with the Lions, and Patricia has completed a trifecta we may never see again. And now he can move on, pencil tucked behind ear, looking for the next team he can torpedo.

Special Teams Coordinator

We understand that the Rams were severely undermanned on special teams thanks to years of passing on draft picks; players who would be special teams experts for most teams are starting for the Rams. But when you put up one of the 10 worst special teams performances of all time – -9.2%! – you simply have to win. Congratulations and better luck next year, Chase Blackburn.

General Manager

Lots of potential nominees here. You could look at Joe Douglas acquiescing to all of Aaron Rodgers’ demands. Scott Fitterer in Carolina, with Bryce Young’s rookie flop and no first-round pick this year. Terry Fontenot in Atlanta and Joe Schoen in New York are worthy candidates, too. But the Patriots roster is one of the most talent-bare we’ve ever seen, with questions at essentially every position. They just lack the speed or talent to compete, and years of poor drafts have compounded themselves, with needs at basically every position. All of those other general managers made significant roster-building errors, yes. But only Bill Belichick’s roster was bad enough to get legendary head coach Bill Belichick fired, and so he has to win.

Owner

Who throws a drink, David Tepper? Honestly.

Oh, sure, we could point out the reports that Tepper put his fingers on the scale, ordering the Bryce Young pick over Frank Reich’s objections – a claim Tepper made sure to deny emphatically and with enough weasel words to fill a burrow. We could also point out that Tepper is already on his seventh coach since buying the team in 2018, an unsustainable rate fueled by a combination of impatience and poor hiring decisions, always a great combination to have in management. We could point out his history of meddling with his hired football professionals despite any real qualifications.

But really, it’s the drink; a petty move that catapults Tepper above all challengers.