Best Fantasy Football Punishments

First place is the goal in fantasy football. Build the best roster, beat your friends, take down whatever prize. That’s why we play.

But for many (and an increasing number of) leagues, at least as important as claiming first is avoiding last. If your league has a last-place punishment, well, you need to do whatever you can to avoid it, because last-place punishments are traditionally embarrassing, horrifying, expensive or just plain weird.

And if that scares you off … well, don’t let it. Last-place punishments are fun. Have fun.

Today, I am offering up some of the best last-place punishments the FTN team has heard of. Pick your favorite, talk to your league, make some negotiations, and get some real punitive nonsense in there. Because if you can’t laugh at the person in last place, what are we even doing here?

Best Fantasy Football Punishments for 2024

Get Tasered

I’m going with this one first because it’s one of the few here I can speak authoritatively on. I worked for the newspaper in Manhattan, Kansas, when the police department rolled out a Taser program. Every officer had to experience it so they knew what pain they were imparting upon people, and they offered up any journalists to try it as well. So I volunteered, and that didn’t just mean I got tasered, it means I was the first one to get tasered. And …

It ain’t that bad.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely incapacitating pain. Only thing I could do while it was going on was make an “f” noise with my mouth that made my bosses think I was about to say a bad word. I remember distinctly thinking that the Taser, which was supposed to stop after 5 seconds, had broken and it was never going to stop. But then … it did. And the weird thing about Taser pain is that after it’s over, it’s over. If I punch you in the face, it might only reach a 6 on the pain scale, but before it’s a 0, it has to go from the 6, to the 5, to the 4, to the 3, to the 2, to the 1 first. It may never be that bad, but it has staying power. A Taser? It’s a 10, no question. And then when it’s over, it’s a 0. There was absolutely no muscle memory, no lasting feeling at all beyond a couple of tiny holes in my shirt where the prongs got me. Would I want to do it again? No. But would it be the worst punishment ever? Also very no.

Charity

The best one! Loser has to do something for charity. Enter a 10k and get sponsors. Do a polar plunge and get supporters for every minute. Any number of things. Embarrass the loser and raise money for a good cause. Do this one. This one’s good.

Busking/OnlyFans

You have to pay for your league fee the next season through … exceptional efforts. Go out on the street and perform for your money. Sing a song, pass the hat. Or, because we live in a high-tech society, start an OnlyFans account (doing what? Up to you!) that you have to maintain until you’ve raised the money for the next season’s fees. Creative, embarrassing. Very solid.

Caddying/Butlering

People who play fantasy football often — not always, but often — do other activities together. What better way to enjoy a leaguemate’s failure than to make him spend his punishment catering to your needs? Make him caddy your golf round, which includes paying for drinks. Make him the personal butler of the first-place winner for a day or a week. Embarrassing and you get something out of it. No complaints.

Tattoo

OK listen, crazy people. I have been tattooed. I would like more of them. But the chances I ever enter a contest in which someone else gets to decide what permanent ink goes on my body are approximately negative-a-billion percent. But hey, if you and your crazy compatriots like the notion, don’t let me stop you. But I will judge you.

Last Place Finisher Pays First Place Finisher’s Entry the Next year

A little boring? Yeah. A little punitive? Sure, considering the first-place winner probably earned a profit from the win anyway. And it requires you to be sure the last-place finisher won’t just quit. But it’s clean and simple, and there’s something to be said for clean and simple.

Body Wax

Listen, as fantasy football gets more diverse, there are bound to be an increasing number of leagues where some members wouldn’t see this as a punishment and would in fact appreciate the extra reason. But if your league is one where the participants would balk at having all their hair removed by force, well, then this is pretty funny. Just tell them that the Steve Carell “Aaahhh Kelly Clarkson!” thing hasn’t actually been funny in solidly 15 years.

Open Mic Night

I used to do stand-up comedy, so this wouldn’t phase me. But there is enough fear of public speaking out there that this could be a really good time, especially if the participant really goes for it. And bonus: There are some terrible open-mic performances out there just among people who are legitimately trying, so even if the punishee is embarrassed, there’s a good chance they won’t stand out as remarkably worse than many others.

League Picks Loser’s Karaoke Song

This requires a place with an active karaoke scene and a dedication from the loser to really try to sell it, but you could have a very good time picking just the right (or wrong) song for your friend to bust out at karaoke night.

Winner Picks Loser’s Fantasy Team Name

This one is extremely risky for obvious reasons. You either need to make sure your league is as private as possible and everyone knows that or dictate that the loser ultimately gets veto power. But assuming you can marginally trust your leaguemates, there can be some fun to be had in getting your team named for you for the following season.

Take the SATs
Waffle House (or other restaurant) Challenge
Wear an ‘I Suck at Fantasy Football’ Outfit

Any list of fantasy punishments wouldn’t be complete without these, so I’m including them as a matter of obligation. They’re funny (though I quibble with the SAT one that takes several hours during which you can’t really laugh at the loser), they require the loser to do something weird. The classics are the classics for a reason, after all. (Just … let’s not do “haha, man in a dress.” It’s played out as hell, and it’s also just not that funny anymore. You can be funny without just playing the “man dressed like a woman” card. You can even be way funnier that way.)